april joy update and things

hi!!

though i’ve been working on redesigning my site (redesign of blog posts coming soon) i’ve realized i actually haven’t published a proper blog post in almost two months! wtf! so much has happened in that time.

last i wrote on here i was in a very strange and angsty headspace. but march was a great month. i went on a spring break trip with my friends for the first time ever and boy did we make use of that drinking age and uv index. i also recently figured out my summer plans! i’m doing ai research on campus this summer which i am sooooososooso pumped for, i’ll finally be in the city for the summer.

it’s 13 days into the best month ever, my birthday month, perfect month, etc. i hate how i always assign things such symbolic/nostalgic meaning because it is such an easy set up for disappointment. i’m the definition of a diva when it comes to my birthday; i want month long celebrations and for everything to go my way, but in reality, the day has never really been perfect, probably because i build it up so high in my head. BUT… tentatively speaking, and trying not to jinx anything, i’m super excited for my birthday (4/20). because it’s also my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY! and because i’ve made awesome plans and am gonna spend time with the people i love. also because nineteen has kinda been the best year ever?? and i am terrified yet excited at the prospect of entering a new decade of my life. more about that, probably coming in a future blog post.

a silly little story i wanted to share is about how last night i tried unsuccessfully to be a cool weed smoker again and took one hit and immediately fainted in the doorway of my residence hall. this is so sad because i genuinely just want to experience whatever joy and bliss all my smoker friends always talk about, but every time i smoke i get genuinely schizophrenic. i apologize if my use of that term offends anyone, i’m only saying it because i actually start HALLUCINATING AND HEARING VOICES LIKE IM NOT KIDDING. does anyone else experience this? whenever i smoke, i go nonverbal because all my thoughts that would typically immediately be spoken aloud get passed through this social anxiety filter of ‘everyone hates you and you are so embarrassing right now’ and then i just clam up and all my movements get delayed. i have tried multiple times to make this enjoyable for me and i just can’t. so it looks like i will not be 4/20 on my 4/20 birthday, sorry :(

i actually do have a lot of emo things i’d like to write about but i’m kinda trying to go lalalalalala and cover my ears and not think about them because why would i dwell on them when the days are getting longer and warmer, i’m at my dream school in my dream city studying my dream subject, and i have awesome friends?

anyways, it seems all my blog posts as of late have been ‘hi i’m not dead i’m here and joyous’, but i swear i have more concrete entries in my little notion drafts, i’m just such a perfectionist with those while these posts feel more like writing a long tweet so they just flow out of me.

things i’m excited for (on this blog):

• updating my moodboard with my new little angsty music video creation
• adding my posts to my ai blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• updating my blog post template to match my new site theme/layout
• joining some webrings? maybe?

things i’m excited for (in this game of life):

• to see my mom and dad and celebrate passover! soon!
• to give my ai presentation on monday
• to celebrate my GOLDEN BIRTHDAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYY at my bday party and dinner (still don’t have plans for day of, if anyone has any suggestions for fun things to do in the city on your bday!!)
• to celebrate my friend andi’s bday at amity!!! taurus girl
• to HAVE A NYC SUMMER

ok love you bye see you soon