what the hell is going on??

i don’t know what the hell is going on with me! i thought i was better. i also thought that the turn of spring would mean getting out of all this winter seasonal sadness bla bla bla. but it’s worse!

life is great objectively speaking so i don’t know what my problem is. i always seem to need to find a problem because for some reason my life is more entertaining when i feel very tortured and misunderstood. so what is my problem.

i’ve been trying to articulate it for a while and the only words i could come up with are, “i don’t feel like a person other people want to be around”, but that’s not exactly it, i don’t know. i feel like i’m wearing a mask sometimes, i can’t stop thinking about what other people are thinking about me, and i just don’t feel 100% like i’m living my life. there’s like this other layer of abstraction i’m constantly viewing the world through.

i keep getting those videos on my tiktok that are like, “if you miss him you need to get a hobby”. and the funny thing is that i actually did do that so much last year and that’s what saved me from my months of torment and it changed my life and it was amazing, so i do agree that replacing one specific man, especially an evil man, with hobbies and general self improvement is great. i mean you’re reading my biggest hobby right now! but am i supposed to act like blogging or coding or baking or painting is supposed to replace love? no. of course these things enrich my life deeply. i am a whole person on my own with these hobbies i carry around, and with my career and my education and my friends but like NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE THE SAME AS LOVE. there is just this gaping hole. sorry i didn’t mean it that way that was inappropriate.

so if you thought i was a little girlblogger just for the pink aesthetic here is your rude awakening because i’m actually this way because of some faulty wiring and what i’m really identifying with is the MINDSET and i’ve been like this foreverrrr forever!! i can daydream for the rest of my life, i mean that. sometimes i’m distracted enough to not think about it, sometimes i have too much time alone with myself and i start going crazy. and if i think about it too hard i start to come to scary conclusions. for example, thinking that finding THAT is my actual purpose and fulfillment in life, and not, i don’t know, my undying passion for computer science. so in short, i need to snap out of it.

my self esteem has broadly been much better in the past year ever since i learned joy, but lately it’s been worse. it’s so random, one tiny thing can cause all the work i did to build myself up to come crashing down. i’ve been posting little videos on tiktok and i keep thinking, if i get one hate comment i am gonna spiral for days about it. that’s not healthy! i just care so much about other people’s opinions and i want it so everyone is happy with me and no one is ever mad at me.

at senior night last week i was waiting in line to order a beer. then they tell me there’s a $20 minimum and i say never mind no thank you. some guy who was next to me at the bar taps me on the back and he says, “hey i was gonna order some drinks so i can get you a beer and you can venmo me back”. i very politely said, “no, that’s okay”. cause i didn’t want to do all that! and then he was like, “fine. god. whatever.” all angrily. i’m still thinking about it because i didn’t think i was being rude at all. and i feel bad if i was. i don’t know why guys have to be so mean…

there’s too many beautiful girls on the internet, and in one scrolling session i probably see way more than i should ever see in my lifetime. i truly believe all women are beautiful, and that’s not an empty platitude like at all. every single girl i see anywhere has something that makes her beautiful in my eyes. i hate that it sounds like bullshit, it shouldn’t. when it comes to myself though, i automatically think less of myself seeing another girl’s beauty and it’s stupid because i can name like 10 beautiful women who have no features in common right now and none of their beauty detracts from the others!!!

and anyway, it’s not like being pretty would solve anything. first of all, the right person would like me exactly as i am and i wouldn’t need to change anything about myself. second of all, you can be the most perfect girl in the world and some man would still call you mid or cheat on you or your personality wouldn’t be up to their standards or what not. in short, there is no winning. i don’t know what i’m trying to do, or what for. i don’t even LIKE anyone like that. everything is all in my fucking head! all the time!

i make these problems up maybe because i am bored or something. i should probably spend more time in the library because this is not a normal thought process. i feel like.. i'm done typing. okay bai