ramble to clear my head

i needed to sit down and just write because my thoughts are so jumbled and instead of just sitting in silence and sorting them out, i keep shoving them down switching between tiktok and twitter and tumblr and youtube and not giving my head a moment to breathe!

WELFARE CHECK

it’s been so long since i’ve actually posted or updated my site on here. that’s because…. i was spiraling again. not that this is necessary or relevant information or anything, but this is my diary so i’ll say what i want. i stopped taking my anti depressants and then was surprised when i got depressed again. my depression manifests weird - maybe not weird, but not how i pictured the word ‘depression’ when i was younger. my mind and my body detach and every day is kinda going through the motions, and doing something simple like getting out of bed or brushing my teeth is this momentous task that i spend all day trying to convince myself to do. in this headspace i’m not living to achieve anything, i’m just living to make it to the next day, and the day after that, trying to get it over with as painlessly as possible. actually, i spent maybe age 15-18 like that so being in that mindset is a lot more comforting and familiar to me than being out of it.

ANYWAYS, i’m taking them again so it’s fine… i guess. god, to be honest i hate the summertime. i force myself to like it but i don’t. i like the routine of a school year and being away from home in my own little college bubble. there’s too much freedom for me in the summer and freedom leads to boredness, which leads to too much thinking (never good!!!!). thinking in many ways, but mostly about my body. maybe because i’m sedentary at home, and i have nothing but time to eat, and i don’t have anything else to fixate on, and all of a sudden i’m thinking waitttt maybe 15 year old me was onto something with just ******* it all up. (she’s not! this is not in support of that behavior!) i’m not gonna do it or anything. at least, not like how i used to. not because i don’t want to, but because i’m burnt out and it takes a lot of effort to do it and i don’t want to deal with my skin getting bad again and my clothes smelling and my teeth rotting… my dentist hates me.

every moment i’ve spent for the past month feels like i’m just waiting for something big to happen. by big i mean bad. and i do have reason to feel like those things will happen, sooner than i expect. so i’m bracing myself, i’m mourning things and people before they are actually gone, and i’m stuck in this paralysis of ‘why bother doing this when it’s temporary and it can all disappear tomorrow’. i know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it does to me.

ao3....

i love attaching myself onto things. i am GREAT at making up little fantasies and whole worlds in my head! this has come to be one of few saving graces when i am not well. so long story short, i ended up writing about 30,000 words worth of fanfiction. it’s less fanfiction and more a very long therapy session between me and myself. but i am having a great time writing it regardless. still, i can acknowledge that there becomes a problem when i’d rather be living in my made up world than the world around me, especially when that made up world is…. 60s tulsa oklahoma (out of all places?). i’m trying to keep this just a fun hobby and not a full-blown obsession but i never do well with that boundary. i’ll probably abandon it in a couple of months when the fixation wears off.

if i’m being #real, what’s making me want to write it in the first place is not some deep yearning for a love story with my character of interest (though i am a big big fan of his…). obviously, i’m inserting myself into the story, if under a different name and under different circumstances and whatever, of course it’s me. i want to be in the story as myself. i think this is pretty normal and a lot of times writers self-insert to create a version of themselves that they want to be in real life - and i think there’s nothing wrong with a little wish fulfillment and the hate on mary-sues or whatever they call them is often just misogyny. but even in my own written fantasy world i still can’t just let myself escape my real-life problems. i still give my oc all the mental issues i have and make the love interest toxic - so is this therapeutic at all or am i just romanticizing the problems i refuse to fix? oh well. i’m writing it anyway…

the computer

i’m simultaneously the most hopeless i’ve ever been in terms of future job prospects, and the most passionate and obsessive i’ve ever been about the subject material. there’s no doubt in my mind that i want to work on artificial intelligence for the rest of my life, but .. it’s not like the future is looking bright in that respect. the job i want could just not exist by the time i graduate. and what am i supposed to do then?

i try not to think about it too much, and tell myself that if i truly care about AI i will find a way to contribute to it - whether by building something with it, or contributing to its development, or making some sort of research discovery - whatever. at the same time, i’m shooting myself in the foot before i can even start to make something of myself. all of the startup ideas i have - i immediately tell myself either no one would use them, or they already exist but better. i tell myself there’s no point trying to improve my programming because an llm can outperform me, let alone millions of programmers who started later than me and are much more talented regardless. and with research - i tell myself nothing i can find would be truly novel or groundbreaking enough. if i believe all of this, it leads me to think there’s nothing i can do, but i don’t want to be doing nothing. i want to be doing something but i can’t believe in myself enough to make it something.

other things

i’m a HORRIBLE texter. not just texter actually - i’ll say communicator. face-to-face talking, i do great with. calling - not too bad. but any form of communication where the burden is not on me to answer then and there, face to face, i refuse to do. i will see texts or emails and answer them in my head and not answer back for weeks because i put it off, and then the more time goes by the more scared i get to actually respond, and the cycle just continues. it’s genuinely horrible and i don’t know how to fix it and i know this is such a nothing problem and the obvious answer is just OPEN THE APP AND TYPE AND PRESS SEND, which is not something difficult for me by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason i am paralyzed in fear from doing this!!!!!!

i brought up to my psychiatrist that i think i might have adhd and he definitely thinks i just want study drugs…. but i really do think i have it. i get that it might be overdiagnosed and overprescribed and i don’t necessarilyyyy want to be on meth unless i really need it? but i feel like there’s such a stigma around it now for young adults and teens that prevents them from even suggesting they might need help in this respect. the first thing my psychiatrist asked me was how i am doing in school - great! i do great in school! school is quite literally the only thing i am consistently good at. then he asks me if i fidget or move around a lot. um, no? so because i can sit still for a 90 minute class and i don’t look out the window when a bird flies by or whatever i don’t have problems with focus? long story short, he did not provide me with meds.

um, i think that’s about everything that’s on my mind.

i know this is such a negative post and i don’t like putting out this much negativity onto the internet, let alone in a space like the old web which has only been positive for me. but this is also the only place i feel like i can be the most honest with myself, and these are the thoughts running through my head all the time, and maybe if someone resonates with any of them or knows how to help with them, they can become something positive instead.

anyway, i hope everyone is having a great june so far :)