i am nonchalant and i don’t care about anything.

i don’t really know what it is i’m looking for but i’m yearning for something indescribable very deeply, and it often gets in the way of my day-to-day life.

maybe i have read too much fanfiction (i have definitely read too much fanfiction) but i feel like i’ve been like this my whole life. i mean… is it that crazy for me to want this big, dramatic, star-crossed love that sweeps me off my feet? i don’t necessarily think so. i think everyone wants romance and passion and whatnot. i just feel like i can’t let it go and let it find me. i’m searching for it in places i know it’s not in, and it’s just making me feel worse, but if i don’t, then that empty part within me is like ‘freeeee meeee i need to feel something!!’ and then i do and i hate it so much after that i want to rip my skin off. too much? yeah sorry.

i’m not gonna act like i’m just so forgotten and neglected, that’s not true. i guess if i go somewhere all dressed up i can get attention and, you know, flirting is fun and i do it by accident half the time. i’m just so stupid because i delude myself into thinking these situations are something they’re clearly not… i have to ground myself in reality by asking if i would want to tell my future kids that me and my husband met in [redacted] or he did [redacted] to me, and the answer is always no. so rationally, i know that it’s a waste of time, whatever i’m doing. but i also have this thing with saying no (as in i physically can’t do it) which contributes to this problem but that’s a whole otherrrrr can of worms we don’t need to get into :)

i have my life very specifically planned out, and if all goes according to schedule, i have 2-3 years to find the love of my life. i just don’t think they go to this school.. because i certainly haven’t found them yet. it’s sad. if i really think hard about it, i would feel my life would be missing something fundamental if i didn’t experience love ever in my life, and i’m impatient so i want it now.

at the same time i am avoidant as fuck and if i ever found what i wanted i would probably push it so far away because i am scared, so i don’t know what that’s about.

i do believe in true love. i don’t know why, because i do hear and resonate with the whole rational argument of ‘oh, you just end up with one of the people you’re in proximity with when it’s time to settle down out of circumstance and you convince yourself you’re in love but you don’t know’, but i still think that it exists. like even statistically speaking, out of the 8 billion people on earth, there is one person who is at the top of the list in compatibility for you - so theoretically, there is a chance you end up with them. i guess it’s such a small chance that people say it doesn’t really exist. but the world hasn’t really given me a reason to be so jaded yet. i’m still young and i retain hope that one day.. one day…..ONE DAY. it will come.

i guess the biggest thing i’m scared of is that i’ll think someone is it, and then i’ll change my mind. i truly believe nothing is permanent! least of all, emotions. i mean, i have very strong and very intense celebrity crushes in which i think they are the most perfect person in the world, and then one day i’m just like ‘well, whatever, i don’t care anymore’. but then i think about my love for my dog, for example, and that truly there is nothing that could ever happen to make me stop loving him, and that i only love him more and more over the years. but then, people aren’t dogs.

i like the quote ‘true love exists because i exist and i am full of it’, but am i really? i mean, i am full of platonic love. i’m full of familial love. but i don’t think there’s any … romantic love in me. i hypothetically can imagine how i would express romantic love, but i don’t really know because i’ve never given it to someone i love in that way. because i’ve never felt it!

… unless i have felt it and it just sucks and is awful. i god hope not.

what’s fucked up is even without experiencing love, the ... situations … i’ve been an unwilling part of have just like royally broken my psyche. and what did i get out of it? NOTHING but pain.

what i hope is that one day i can read this right next to my dreamy perfect love of my life and we can both sit and laugh at how silly the 19 year old girl was, and i can experience the same kind of love i feel for my dog but like..slightly different, i would say, in some key ways. oh well! a girl can dream. as lana del rey said….. dreaming away your life…..

until then. i’ll keep writing my little fanfictions.