been having a weird time

whats going on in my head!!!!!!!!

i think i need to stare out into space in silence with no thoughts for like an hour and i’ll be okay. but i do not allow myself to do that. all i do is phone computer ipad spotify music app tiktok algorithm 24/7 and there’s too much going on in my noggin.

i’ve been having such a strange time lately and i think i’m chalking it up both to the fact that i don’t take my antidepressants consistently anymore (lolololooa) and that the sun is starting to set at like 7pm. but also i kinda feel like i’m on autopilot. idk what’s wrong with me because there are a good 3/5 of my classes where i go in, do not speak to anyone, have my head DOWN, take notes, and leave. and i am not a quiet or shy person.. at least i don’t think i am! not if you get to know me. but something about this school makes me that way and it’s so weird idk how to fix it like i have never been mute like this before. if i want to participate in class i need to prepare myself mentally for like 5 minutes and then after i ask the question my hands shake so bad that i can’t even take notes like WTFFFF idk. i’m trying to get better at this.

i’ve been going out of my comfort zone (i keep saying this like. i said this in my sophomore year post but it really needs to be emphasized) so much, mostly in the context of exploring my surroundings. and learning how to do things on my own. i tend to be a pretty codependent person and it holds me back sometimes, so going on my little solo trip cafe adventures has been great. it’s easy for me to do that and be a stranger only when i’m outside the radius of my campus. on campus though…. i literally CANNOT step out and be perceived.

also worth mentioning that my classes are really really hard this semester and it’s getting veryyy hard for me to not feel like an idiot who snuck into the cs department every time i walk in. i know this is almost completely my fault because i don’t really know how to study and i’m definitely at the portion of my major which requires constant active studying to stay afloat. but also i need to stop being so hard on myself i think. or am i not being hard enough? my opinion on this really depends on the day. but all i know is i am NOT cut out to be an engineer so thank god this is the one engineering class i ever have to take.

on another note. need to stop skipping classes. there’s something about math classes in college which is just so optional to me. not to toot my own horn, but this is the one subject i feel like i can always understand on my own and math lectures are sooo boring. i need to force myself to go, though, because i already feel myself solidifying a bad habit for this semester.

i hate hate hate thinking about internships and recruiting season like i’m actually actively dry heaving and sweating right now even writing about it. but it must be done… must be done.

there are a lot of great things in my life right now, but the oncoming season makes me want to retreat back into my old ways. it’s just something about the fall air i guess. i’m NOT going to though, she says winking. only past the hours of 9pm when it’s pitch black and cold do i really feel like my old self… but sometimes it’s fun, i don’t know! i’m rewatching skins and palo alto which is literally never good. someone stop me but like don’t.

i am reminded of last semester which literally put me on ssris. all i remember is listening to last girl on earth and not speaking in my classes and not talking to anyone or leaving my dorm and lowkey crying because i couldn’t make it out of bed or to class laughing emoji. i guess retroactively speaking that’s depression laughing emoji but it’s not that deep, it’s better now. i love wellbutrin but maybe i need to up my dose. and anyway, at least i’m making it out of bed and seeing my friends and having so much fun. maybe too much fun on the weekends, but that’s a topic for another time. sometimes i listen to last girl on earth again though just for fun and mems. at the end of the day, i’m here to learn and i need to remind myself that. i can learn even when i’m super sad, so i need to use that as my outlet i think.

but IM NOT SUPER SAD. IM HAPPY!!!!